From Devastating Bullying To Rising Above It And Becoming An Emmy-Winning Dancer/Choreographer
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Being brutally bullied as an adolescent was my lemon. Finding the courage and confidence to overcome that and own my life is my lemonade.
I’m used to leading on the dance floor. The music starts, and I take my partner’s hand, guiding her into position, controlling the flow of energy, directing the movement.
But when it comes to life, taking the lead isn’t so simple. It takes guts, but not the kind needed to jump out of an airplane from fourteen thousand feet or perform live in front of an audience of millions. Trust me, I’ve done both. It’s having the courage required to uncover the bigger picture. Where are you going and how will you get there? And most important, who will you become on your journey? Every mistake, every twist, turn, or total wipeout hands you an opportunity to learn and grow. Are you brave enough to take it?
I wasn’t. Honestly, the idea of writing a book about my life scared the hell out of me. I didn’t think I was ready to go there. It felt overwhelming—a lot of memories tangled up in emotions. I wasn’t sure the timing was right (I was competing in Seasons 17 and 18 of Dancing with the Stars) and I wasn’t convinced I knew what to say or how to say it. So I did what I do whenever I’m stuck on a dance and I don’t have a clue how to choreograph it. I break it down. I look at it, not as a whole, but as a series of steps that come together. Somehow, seeing each phase of my life this way brought it all into focus. The lessons became clear, the experiences came flooding back in vivid detail, and I felt empowered.
I think I’ve just begun stepping up and owning my life, and I have a long way to go and lots of things I want and need to accomplish. But at least I’m headed in the right direction. I’ve started seeing my journey as a work in progress—sometimes I’ve rocked it, sometimes I’ve stumbled or tripped over my own feet. But every move I’ve made has shaped me into the person I am today. I believe life isn’t about finding yourself, but creating yourself. My friend Tony Robbins asks, “What if life isn’t happening to us? What if it is happening for us?” I believe that when you seize control, you’re nobody’s doormat or punching bag anymore—not even you can stand in your own way (and I am harder on myself than anyone else is). You open yourself up to endless possibilities.
Not many people know that I was bullied as a kid. By bullied, I don’t mean teased or picked on or called names. I mean terrorized for a long time. I stayed silent until now—not even my parents knew the extent of the physical and emotional abuse I suffered. When I shared my story with them, they were shocked and saddened. Why didn’t I come to them? Why didn’t I ask for help? Truthfully? I was paralyzed. Even as a grown man, I find these memories hard to revisit. But I see now that taking the lead means reclaiming who you are and taking back your true self. It’s taking off the blinders and letting go of whatever is holding you back. It’s embracing the moment for what it is and for what it teaches you. It’s putting the past behind you and clearing a new path for the future. I can’t change what happened, but I can change the meaning of it and how I look at it.
Fear is a great motivator. I tell that to my partners on Dancing with the Stars all the time. Go on, be scared. Get out of your comfort zone. Align yourself with your fear and use it to propel you to progress. Look your demons in the eye and kick ’em to the curb. For Kellie Pickler, it was learning to get out of her own way. For Ricki Lake, it was finding something she loved in the mirror. For Maria Menounos, it was dancing through the pain of injury to discover an inner strength she never knew she had. For Jennie Garth, it was her first perfect score and knowing nothing could hold her back anymore. For Amber Riley, it was truly believing in her own greatness. Each and every one of these ladies took the lead in their lives. Mirror Ball or no Mirror Ball, in my eyes, they’re all winners.
Looking back on my life up to this point (because believe me, I’ve got a lot of living left to do!), it’s been quite a trip. I’m not the skinny, awkward little boy from Salt Lake City anymore. I’m happy with the man I’ve become, and I owe a great deal to the people who have influenced me and inspired me along the way. These have been my friends, family, coaches, and mentors, the ones who pushed me to push myself. They’ve even been my rivals—the dancers who were so good, they made me want to be better. Every obstacle has been a
reason to keep moving forward. Paring this book down to the most important moments in my life was no easy task—I could write ten books, not just one, of everything I’ve experienced! But these are the experiences that resonate with me the most: the ones that have made me stop, take stock, appreciate, and affirm the person I want to be.
I hope in reading my stories you discover or rediscover who you are and learn how to take the lead in your own life. I hope you learn to channel your passion, harness your power, and connect with your joy. Joseph Campbell, the American mythologist, lecturer, and writer, believed you should “follow your bliss.” This is what I do and what I’ve always tried to do. Life is a dance, but it’s much more than mastering the steps. It’s pushing your boundaries, shattering your limits, and exploding in a breathtaking burst of light.
From Chapter 1
LEADING LESSONS
For a kid who never liked to pick apart a math equation, I have a pretty analytical brain. A few years ago, I came to the conclusion that you have to be an active participant in your life. You have to stop, take stock, and put things in perspective so you can see the bigger picture. I can’t tell you the exact moment this truth dawned on me; there was no single earth-shattering event or catalyst. But I do remember being at a U2 concert with my sister and tearing up as all these memories of my childhood and listening to U2 flooded over me. It took me back to a time of family and fun and feeling connected. A few weeks later, I was sitting at home in my apartment, looking at my collection of trophies and thinking, Yeah? So? Now what? Winning—the one thing that used to mean the world to me—felt empty. It didn’t matter how much hardware I accumulated, it didn’t give me that adrenaline high anymore.
What did was the feeling of connecting with people. Not just my dance partners, but strangers who would come up to me on the street and share their stories. There have been many who cornered me in a parking lot or sent me a message on Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter. Too many to count, but one in particular stands out. A woman stopped me on the street to tell me about her grandmother. “She loved you,” she said. “She watched you from her hospital bed every night Dancing with the Stars was on. You took her back to a time when she loved to dance. You gave her such joy in her final days.” I got a lump in my throat. I had done this for someone? I thanked her and she took my hand. “No. Thank you.” It felt great. More than that, it felt right. It planted a seed in me, which I can honestly say was the beginning of this book.
Not too long ago, I agreed to give a twenty-minute lecture about health and dance, and it turned into two hours. Again, I felt that high from connecting with the audience, from sharing what I had learned. I began to look at my experiences as life lessons. What could they teach me? What was the purpose of my pain and suffering if not to make me a better, stronger person who is more equipped to lead? You know the old saying “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” I think it’s more than that. I think what doesn’t kill you makes you wiser and a better human being. It opens your eyes, your heart, and your mind. You may not have control over everything that happens to you in your life externally, but you always have some control over what’s going on internally—how you handle your life experiences and what you take away from them.
In each chapter, I want to share with you the lessons I’ve learned. And if I make you pause for a moment and consider your own experiences as stepping-stones to taking the lead in your life, then I’ve done
my job. I never imagined myself as a teacher—I was the worst student in school, the one you would vote most likely not to succeed. But now, I want to continue to learn more about myself and about human behavior. We all have God-given talent. The question is, what are you going to do with it?
I went to see the musical Pippin on Broadway with my Season 10 DWTS partner, Nicole Scherzinger. There’s this great line in the song “Corner of the Sky”: “Don’t you see I want my life to be something more than long?” I can relate. I want to leave my footprint on this world in a positive, meaningful way. I want to lead by example. To do that takes a lot of introspection. It also takes courage. I try and see it as connecting the dots—the way I used to try and spot the constellations from my rooftop by drawing imaginary lines between the stars. Every moment in your life should be meaningful; each one should have a takeaway lesson. At the end of every chapter, you’ll find mine.
Speak up.
Bullying can be physical, verbal, or emotional—words and threats are just as painful as fists. I know now that the worst thing you can do is suffer in silence. The bullies are counting on you to keep your mouth shut. By doing so, you’re giving them even more power. I understand the desire to leave it outside your front door, to just pretend the bullying doesn’t happen. In my case, I kept quiet because I was certain that tattling would make my situation worse. Either the brothers would kill me for telling, or my parents would confine me to my house to protect me from all things evil. I was convinced it was a lose-lose situation. But I realize now that I was wrong, and if I could go back and talk to my six-year-old self I would tell him to trust someone and get help—from a parent, an older sibling, a teacher. You’re not a wimp if you tell. In fact, seeking help requires
incredible strength and courage. The most powerful weapon you have is your voice.
Nowadays, it’s easy to bully by hiding behind a phone or a computer screen. The words that people
express on Facebook, Instagram, whatever—they’re just as cutting and painful as a physical blow. I discovered this when I entered the public eye. Social media has become a playground for cowardly, insecure individuals who unfortunately feel the need to direct negative comments and energy at someone they don’t even know. At first I reacted to it. Every obnoxious remark used to dwell in my mind. But the more I learned about human behavior, the clearer it became that the negativity these people project is a reflection of who they are. I don’t believe it makes them bad people, but they are seeking a significance that they are not getting elsewhere. Realizing this makes it much easier for me to ignore the haters and not take the bait.
Power over others is weakness in disguise.
People talk a lot about how bullying can destroy your life. For me, it’s been a revelation. I got hit in the head a lot of times in my childhood, so maybe it finally knocked some sense into me. I understand now that someone who is strong and loves himself would only ever give love back. The superior human being will always see the light in someone and choose to encourage that light instead of dimming it. Those brothers? They needed to control me because they wanted to feel important. They craved attention and resorted to violence to get it. They needed to control me because they were weak. Looking back now, I actually feel sorry for them. I don’t feel like the victim anymore; I was a witness to their suffering. It’s helped me move past the pain and fear and make peace with this part of my past. Kids tend to blame themselves when they’re bullied—as if something they have done is causing some mean kid to beat the crap out of them. But I see now it was never about me. I did nothing to these brothers. I didn’t provoke them; I didn’t ask for trouble. They simply saw an easy prey. I ask myself over and over what must have been going on in their heads to make them unleash such wrath on me and my family? What kind of personal pain or insecurity was behind it? Trying to understand helps me let go of the anger and begin to forgive.
Bullies come in all shapes and forms.
Adults can be bullies as well, so be wary of the people around you who try to twist your arm into doing their bidding. You know the type: “My way or the highway.” I’ve met a lot of these manipulators over the years—people who seem nice but are really all about using you or belittling you for their own gain. There are two ways to be the tallest building in a city. You can work hard, build a team, and do the right things to create a huge skyscraper. Or you can tear down all the other buildings around you. That’s what bullies do. They think they’re big, but it’s an illusion. How about coworkers who try and turn the boss against you to make themselves look better? Or someone who’s always dumping her dirty work on you because you’re kind enough to offer help? Here’s the interesting part: these grown-up bullies were most likely bullies as kids or bullied themselves. The same rules apply: Be smart about the situation you’re in. Stand up for yourself, say no to their unreasonable demands, and don’t allow them to worm their way into your head or your life.
From Taking the Lead: Lesson from a Life in Motion
By Derek Hough
© 2014 by Derek Hough
Reprinted with permission from William Morrow, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers
Derek,
I have always been a fan of yours, and what you have written in your book has made me an even bigger fan (if that is possible). I was bullied in school mainly because I have a disability that did not allow me to play most sports. Although I am an adult, I still experience bullying in various forms. I have risen above it by staying in shape, and becoming a sucess. At work peers still try to bully me I b elieve, because they are jealous, however, all the jr. people want me as their supervisor because I treat them better than anyone else and help them succeed. It gives me a quiet satisfaction when I go to reunions and see that I am in far better physical shape than my former bullies, and also have more financial success.
Take Care,
Mike
Derek, I am such a fan of yours.I think you are the best that there is in your profession…and I am so proud of what you have overcome. It hurts my heart to think about what you went through as a child. As a teacher for 35 years, I wish I had taught you in my class. I never want to see children hurt like this. I have worked hard to make every child feel important and loved for who they are.
You are inspiration Keep remembering you are an outstanding person and loved by so many because of the person you are now and the person we see when we watch you on DWTS. Many blessings
Derek, I pre-ordered your book when they announced it’s release. I couldn’t wait to read it. After reading it, I’m in awe of your mature attitude and how you overcame the bullying, and at the same time felt so sorry for you and what you went through, and every child that has to endure someone who bullies. It’s hard not to respect and love a person like you, after reading your book. You are the type of person every mother would love to have as a role model for her children. You have been my favorite on DWTS, from the beginning of the show. I am hoping we will see you again at the beginning of next season. Can’t wait till you perform somewhere her in Orange Cnty, California. Best of luck to you and God bless you in your future. You are a special, sweet person.
Hi Derek, It breaks my heart to think of anybody being bullied because I, too, was bullied throughout grammar and even in high school and, like you, I pretty much ignored it, kept it inside, figured it would just go away. Eventually, it did but it left scars, scars that never fully heal. You have a gift in dancing, a real, honest, God-given gift, which pushed you forward. I’m still trying to figure out what my gift is. But life is short. You can’t spend it running from or fearing bullies. To quote Taylor Shift, “Haters gonna hate…Shake it off.” I think that’s a good message for life in general. You can’t please everybody, so just do what pleases YOURSELF, and if someone doesn’t like it, just shake it off. Thanks for taking the time to give us a glimpse into your personal life. I am even more of a fan now knowing a little more about you. You ROCK!
Derek, You have always been my favorite on DWTS and as I’m not a big “book reader” I didn’t know you wrote one. I will say that this article has made me want to go get it and also recommend that my Mom read it too, she loves to read. You are a great inspiration to all, and I’m still saddened that you may not return this season … you are the best on the show with your creativity and will be greatly missed this round.
Hi Derek: I was bullied by my own mother, I felt even worst thinking how this can happened, I can feel you, I think it has been better to tell your story, it takes away the pain.
I think you are grate dancer and you have a wonderful future ahead of you!! I admire you, keep doing all the greatness you have in you!! love you!!
Hi Derek,
You and Cheryl Burke have been my two favorite pros from day 1 of watching DWTS. Don’t get me wrong, I thoroughly enjoy all of the other pros and what they bring, but you and Cheryl have that something special that just stood out! In fact, I saw DWTS Roadshow 8 years ago at The Palace in Auburn Hills, MI and on Jan. 24, 2015 in Windsor, Ontario, Canada. I wish I could have seen you and Juliana during your recent tour. Maybe next time!
I am impressed with the first chapter of your book and will be sure to buy it. I have been very fortunate. I was never really bullied and, if I was, I confronted the situation at the time of the incident. Being a human resources professional, I learned early in life that you can’t please all of the people all of the time so you just try to do your best and be honest, consistent, and compassionate with people. Retaining one’s credibility is extremely important in life. I LOVE your attitude and the fact that you learned if you’re handed lemons that you make lemonade with them.
Thanks for being the professional that you are and for displaying such humility all the time. I sure hope you return to DWTS at some future date and that you keep getting involved with your fans and the public either through dance shows or your books. By the way, I am going to try my best to get to NYC to see you with the Rockettes. Derek, you are the best and you really ROCK! Thanks for all the great entertainment that you provide to us! Take care and be safe!
xoxoxo
A real fan of yours,
Mary Ann Jan
Derek-
I look forward to every season of DWTS and you are a big reason that I enjoy it so much. I watch and wish that I had the courage and ability to dance like that. With that said when you were in Appleton WI and stayed at the Copperleaf hotel my son was a host there at the time. According to him you were very aloof and not very nice at all. Maybe that’s something to keep in mind as you travel. There are a lot of us out there that hold you up on a pedestal but when you treat others like that it definitely tarnishes your image. I hope that someday I get the opportunity to meet you to see if that’s really what you’re like or if it was just my sons perception of you. I used to work there as well and have seen famous people staying there. I have to say that I truly admire Johnny Depp. He was there for several weeks. Always took the time to say hello and was seen chastising his crew for speaking down to the wait staff. I’m sorry that I missed the chance to meet you when you were there. Maybe I would have a better perception of who you really are.
Kelly
Derek
It has been especially heartwarming to hear
your story. You see, my daughter loves to dance. She ESPECIALLY loves to watch you dance.. But, she has not found her confidence or courage to spread her wings.
I am glad she posted your website. I am prayerful that she, like you, will take control of the fears that are attempting to control her. So THANK YOU for sharing! And, GOD BLESS YOU!
Brianna’s Mom
Derek you are a true inspiration to my life I can watch you dance all day long. Your humbleness inspires your dance partners. Your talented beyond belief. My goal is to get an autographed picture of you and your book. I’m old enough to be your momma but get so much pleasure of watching you become so successful. Today’s youth have no life goals. I’ve bought your movie and would love to meet you and your sister. I tried to get tickets but you didn’t come close enough to me when you were touring. So my inspiration story to you is to meet you and get an autographed copy of your book. I wish you nothing but life’s grandest offerings. God Bless you my friend
Dear Derek,
Thank you for being open and honest about your experiences. While it is indisputable that you are a brilliant dancer, I admire celebrities that make a stand for something.
I know bullying. Many moons ago, I went home with gum in my hair every day from my 40 minute bus ride because a girl (for a reason to this day I don’t know) decided that was ok. I used to love to dance but quit when that same girl and her mean girl gang joined the dance class I was in just to further humiliate me.
While I didn’t become famous, i have overcome a lot. I am now a single mom. My 14 month old daughter has music in her and already loves dancing. We watch DWTS on Hulu on the weekends, and she lights up when you perform. It is important for me to raise her not to bully and stand up for those that are. I want her to realize that every day is a gift and the most important thing is to see beauty in the world.
Thank you for making the world a little brighter.
Derek. My mother (age88) and I are so proud of you. We loved you both on your tour show in St. Louis. Please think about starting a foundation and continuing to have a positive effect on our youth. Music and Dance seem to be their language. You speak that language. You could produce pamphlets to be distributed through girl/Boy Scouts, schools, after school programs, etc. Something simple and direct to reach those who might not have an opportunity to connect with you otherwise. Engage your peers and see if they would be interested in supporting your endeavor. Bullying will only get worse as anonymity continues to gain the advantage. This is an opportunity to leave a large footprint on a lot of hearts and give kids the tools they need to thrive.
You can do it. With love and admiration….. M. L.
Eres fabuloso cuando bailas, tu entrega para tu arte me maravilla Dios te bendiga y sigue siempre asi tan gentil y carismático.
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I was a Professional Cheerkeader, Dancer, tours back up dancer, turned actress, model, TVHost…. Its a long story, but currently I’ve had to step away from everything I love doing to treat Chronic Late stage Lyme Disease. Anyway, I read everything you wrote and I relate so much. I have had many abusers at different stages in my life. I finally decided to open up publicly bc of the “me too” movement right now. I’m glad I did and I have done a lot of counseling prayer and therapy, but I think I’ve gotten to the place of understanding broken people do broken things and so I’ve let go of holding it against the abusers. I’m more in the place of totally freeing myself from the past and not letting those lies be beliefs I take on to hurt my own worth. So I’m healing the Lyme and I’m healing some more of the internal as well. I will say I’ve spoken at women’s conferences, churches, etc and like you I loved the meaning behind connecting to others. I’m also taking this time while I heal to create a talk show to speak life through the media into people’s lives. I think it’s going to be amazing and just promote healthier living, discussion about things people don’t talk about as openly, fun, and giving back to others. I think it’ll be a game changer for others bc we all need encouragement and growth in loving ourselves and others. So I’m choosing to give my body grace to heal instead of push myself like the dancer in me wants to, let the past hurt be used by God for good for others and myself, and to heal fully so I can enjoy things I wantbin my future like marriage, family, roles I can really dive into and enjoy as an actress… stories I want to tell or be a part of etc.
Anyway, thank you for sharing and I’m praying to be healed physically, emotionally, spiritually even more and I pray that the future is so much brighter and I see light more and dim the darkness.
Thank you,
Renee
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